After four weeks sequestered (away from school & most everything else), I am returning to “the real world”. While this go around wasn’t nearly as bas the last, I somehow feel better after the “battle”. In the end, I’ve come away with coping skills that I did not have previously. I didn’t focus on the social aspect of treatment this time and I think this somehow helped. I wasn’t interested in making friends as much as getting better. I did manage to make one new one. That counts.
Anyway, I was able to admit a couple of new issues that I had kept secret. One: a slight eating disorder. I recall sitting in class and reading/learning about them. I always felt odd because I knew, deep down, that I probably had one. I came clean with the clinician. I don’t know if I should classify it as “anorexia” or not. I over exercise to burn the calories I consumed the day before…in fear of getting fat. I am well within the normal weight for my height and have a normal BMI. BUT I still and feel over weight. I will sometimes not eat certain things because I know that I will compel myself to exercise. I will wake up, with exercise on my mind. I get anxious getting home so I can go and run. On the days I don’t or can’t go, I am very anxious and feel as if I am gaining 1,000 pounds that day for not doing anything. Irrational. I know better. But somehow I still have this fear. It’s hard to control.
The other issue I would rather not get into here. It’s just something I am, for the time, ashamed of. Let it stan at that.
Anyway, I am glad to be getting back to normal as I can.