“You see me now a veteran of a thousand psychic wars, my energy is spent at last and my armor is destroyed. I have used up all my weapons and I’m helpless and bereaved. Wounds are all I’m made of.”
Again, I start with lyrics from a song. In this case, it’s Blue Oyster Cult’s “Veteran of a Thousand Psychic Wars”. I don’t mean the word psychic as those dumb asses who claim to see the future or talk to and see the dead. I use the term to describe a state of mind. This is a place that only I know. It’s a place that only I am able to visit. I seem to battle with my mind over and over…forever and forever. It’s all I’ve ever known. I go from being content to being in the depths of despair. Like the warrior in the song above, I feel as if the protective armor I was given at birth is worn. It’s ragged and in pieces…barely hanging on me. Beneath what used to be flesh is now an expanse of wounds, both healed, scarred, and now. Like I said in the post before, I think it stems from being lonely. It stems from battling the pain of always being forgotten, pushed aside, and stepped upon. How can on penetrate flesh that’s been so calloused and toughened by the turmoils of what’s mockingly called life.
I know that one day, I will feel better. I always seem to spring back like a zombie or Jason from Friday the 13th. But like Jason, each time I spring back, it’s with new wounds and internal deformities. It’s hard to push on knowing what I am like on the inside. It’s hard knowing that it’s always the way I am going to be. I can’t see a “Future Self” that’s without the pain that I know now. I say this because pain is a part if life. Suffering is part of life. But will that Future Self have the same distortions, deformities, and ugliness of the Self I am now? Of course he will. They just may not show themselves as they are now. It all goes back to the old post of being the same person. True, at that point, I will be different in some aspect, but many of the present ones will be there as well. Being a new person means having totally new everything. But that’s not possible. The future incarnation will look different, behave different, and even think different. But the fact remains: my future incarnation will always carry parts of his previous self. Therefore, I will not be the exact same person. But I will be the same person..just with the memories, pain, and happiness of the former. Right now, my present incarnation has the worn armor. He has the scars. But perhaps my future incarnation will have repaired his armor and soothed his wounds with the “salve” of time and self-forgivess.