Die Unstillbare Gier

As I mentioned in my last blog, extreme loneliness is something with which I have always struggled. To me, it’s an abysmal blackness that sucks me in deeper and deeper each day. They say you can be in a roomful of people and yet still feel alone. That’s true. So very true, Even when I am surrounded by many people, it’s feels as if I am the only one there. A thousands voices, a hundred conversions all going on at once. Yet I am no part of any of it. My voice, if it gets heard at all, becomes lost in a deafening din. Many times I feel like an insignificant sand of sand in a great expanse of desert of only which my grain remains separated from the rest. I feel as if I have actually really known anyone and no one has actually really known me. No one knows what stirs me, what saddens me, what I fear, or really what I want. I have a hunger to know others. I have a hunger to be known by others. I have been alone all my life it seems. Sure, people come and go. That’s part of life. In the end, no one really stays. No one really cares. Even when one is married, one can feel alone. How can two be one if both always remain separate. To me, wanting to belong and to know someone is a hunger. It’s one that I can never sate because something always goes wrong. I’m like Doctor Who: sure he’s had companions, but in the end, he always ends up alone in his TARDIS. He remains alone to travel the universe. He needs someone to guide him, to nurture him, to really listen to him. I am a lot like that. I desire to be nurtured, heard, and guided. I can’t go it alone and it always seems like I do. I leave this post with a song. It’s called Die Unstillbare Gier which means “Insatiable Appetite”. It’s from “Tanz der Vampire”. Here, the Count regrets the pain he’s caused, the emptiness he feels, and the drive that keeps him going: the insatiable appetite. In my case, the “unstillbare Gier” to to know others. To know another. In the end, my desire to find that is my driving force.

 

DIE UNSTILLBARE GIER

Endlich nacht, kein Stern zu sehn.
Der Mond versteckt sich,
denn ihm graut vor mir.
Kein Licht im Weltenmeer.
Kein falscher Hoffnungsstrahl.
Nur die stille und in mir
Die Schattenbilder meiner Qual

Sie ahnte nicht, dass ich verloren bin.
Ich glaubte ja noch selbst daran
dass ich gewinn.
Doch am diesem Tag geschah´s zum erstenmal.
Sie starb in meinem arm.

Wie immer, wenn ich nach
Dem leben griff,
blieb nichts in meiner Hand.
Ich möchte flamme sein
Und Asche werden,
und hab noch nie gebrannt.

Ich will hoch und höher steigen,
und sinke immer tiefer ins nichts.
Ich will ein Engel
oder ein Teufel sein,
und bin doch nichts als
eine Kreatur,
die immer das will,
was sie nicht kriegt.

Gäb´s nur einen Augenblick
des Glücks für mich,
nähm ich ew´ges leid ihn Kauf.
Doch alle Hoffnung ist vergebens:
Den der Hunger hört nie auf.

Eines Tages, wenn die erde stirbt,
und der letzte Mensch mit ihr,
dann bleibt nichts zurück
als die öde wüste
einer unstillbaren gier.
Zurück bleibt nur
Die große leere
Und die unstillbare gier.

Doch immer wenn ich
Nach dem leben greif,
spür ich wie es zerbricht.
Ich will die Welt verstehn
und alles wissen,
und kenn mich selber nicht.

Ich will frei und freier werden
Und werde meine ketten nicht los.
Ich will ein heiliger
oder ein Verbrecher sein,
und bin doch nichts als
eine Kreatur
die kriecht und lügt
und zerreißen muss
was immer sie liebt.

Jeder glaubt, dass alles einmal besser wird,
drum nimmt er das leid in Kauf.
Ich will endlich einmal satt sein.
Doch der Hunger hört nie auf.

Manche glauben an die Menschheit,
und manche an Geld und Ruhm.
Manche glauben an Kunst und Wissenschaft,
an liebe und an Heldentum.
Viele glauben an Götter
Verschiedenster Art,
an Wunder und Zeichen,
an Himmel und Hölle,
an Sünde und Tugend
und an Liebe und Brevier.

Doch die wahre Macht,
die uns regiert,
ist die schändliche,
unendliche, verzerende
zerstörende
und ewig unstillbare gier.

Euch Sterblichen von morgen
prophezei ich
heut und hier:
Bevor noch das nächste Jahrtausend beginnt,
ist der einzige Gott, dem jeder dient,
Die unstillbare gier.

ENGLISH

Finally night. No stars to see.
The moon hides itself
Because it is terrified of me.
No light in the ocean.
No false ray of hope
Only the silence. And in me
The silhouette of my pain.

As always when I
Reached out for life 
I couldn’t keep hold of anything.
I want to be a flame
And become ashes
And haven’t yet been burnt.

I want to be high and climb higher
And sink deeper into nothingness.
I want to be an angel
Or a devil
And am just
A creature
That always wants
What it can’t have.

If there could be just one moment
Of happiness for me
I would accept all the grief.
But all hope is in vain
Because the hunger never stops.

One day, when the Earth dies
And the last person with it,
Then nothing will remain
Except a barren desert,
Of an insatiable greed.
The only thing to stay behind is
The big emptiness.
An insatiable greed.

Reach out for life
I feel like it shatters.
I want to understand the world
And know everything
But not know myself.

I want to become free and freer
And get rid of my chains.
I want to be a saint
Or a sinner
And yet am just
A creature
Which creeps and lies
And must always tear apart
What it loves.

We all believe that everything becomes better
So we accept the grief.
I want to eventually be satisfied
But the hunger never stops.

Many believe in humanity
And many in money and glory
Many believe in art and science
In love and in heroism.
Many believe in gods
Of many different kinds,
In miracles and in signs,
In Heaven and Hell,
In sin and virtue, 
And in the Bible and breviary.

But the true power
That rules over us
Is the disgraceful,
Endless,
Consuming,
Destroying,
And eternal, insatiable greed.

You mortals of tomorrow,
I prophesise
Here and now:
Before the next millennium begins
The only God, whom everyone serves
Is the insatiable greed.

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