Je langer ich lebe

“My life is no light at all, it’s bleak and unforgiving… (I’m) imprisoned by the night…what’s use to look at life when life is not worth living? If you (life) love me set me free and let me touch the light.”

Sometimes silly song lyrics hit right in the heart of the moment. By this I mean, whenever despair, hopelessness, and sorrow take over in that certain moment in time, it is taking over the heart at the moment. The words above are from the musical Dracula by Frank Wildhorn. This is the finale of the show, when Dracula begs Mina to kill him…to set him free from the “life” he’s grown to hate. I listened to them…I REALLY listened to them while on the treadmill today. It’s part of the self-care I’m taught to do to reduce symptoms of depression, addiction, and anxiety. I was to do something to get “out of my head”…to focus on something to get me out of a moment of an unbearable emotion.  At first, I took radical acceptance of the anger and sadness that had overwhelmed me after coming home from my day program. It was nothing really. The place had not been cleaned. There was torn up paper threwn about the floor, a bin of trash in need of being removed, and glassware still sitting out from the night before. These were EASY fixes. Why weren’t they done? Ryan had time before he went to work to do them, but he didn’t. Instead, I imagined, he just sat and watched TV. “I clean all day at work and don’t feel like doing it when I get home”.   That’s what I hear. Hell, I go to class and work at various hospitals…then come home to clean and cook. What the fuck is the big deal about picking up a few things? Nothing. Today, I learned about co-dependence. I never knew what it was. I think it’s basically the marriage is taking. Little things piss me off. There is no communication. And when there is, it’s blunted. “I might as well go up and talk to a wall because the words I am saying are having no effect at all”, lyrics from “Words” by Missing Persons. I hate to use the word strained marriage but I think ours is. I feel guilty because sometimes I think I stay out of a sense of obligation. It’s horrible to think that love has nothing to do with it. But sometimes I wonder. I am married but I feel like the most lonely person on earth.

This leads me to my next topic: people. sure, we all need them. But I can’t seem to find anyone to fill a void I have. It’s not a romantic voids, but one of having a person to really talk with. I’d love to go out and have coffee or dinner and talk. But it doesn’t happen. People say they will but something always gets in the way. In the end, no one stays. What’s the use in holding out a hand when the hand will only be slapped? Despite the horrible pit of despair I feel without that person in my life, I still persist. I should stop. There really is no use in trying when the ends are always the same.

I’ll leave with more words from Dracula:

“The longer I live, the more I wonder if I know anything at all…the longer I live, the less I’m certain I’ve got all the answers right, I’d give all my yesterdays to tough the light. It’s hard to make each moment count when you’re alone, perhaps that’s all I need to know…”

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