Truth in self-advertising

I update and write on this about as much as…well..I don’t know. I jst don’t update a lot.

Anyway, thought I’s write a little of my “philosophy” as it were.  Thesde are my own thoughts. Where I have taken from other writers, I have given credit. By other writers, I mean philosophers like Plato, Aristotle, and those men.

TRUTH

You hear this word used a lot by many people. They say that they know it and that their truth is the only one. To me that is just total bullshit. I see truth as I see many things in our universe: unknowable.  Simply put: there is no such thing as an universal truth. Like many other things in life, we’re exposed to a perceived truth from an early age. As such it becomes part of who we are. Therefore, it becomes a certainty. It all depends on where we were born, to what type of society we were born into, and when we were born. Someone who was born in Germany in 1930 has a different life outlook than someone born in the USA in 1990. It is sort of like the old “nature versus nuture” arguement: how we turn out depends on either how were born or how we were raised, A personal truth is lke that. It’s a combination of the two.

My truth is my own truth. It’s an evolution of my experiences. What was a truth to me 15 years ago is not a truth for me now. In another 10 years, my future truth will be different than the one I have now. I think it’s because I will become a different person then. Upon becoming a new person, I shall have  new truth to go along with the new persona.

Further, I think that each person’s definition and self perception of truth gives them a sense of both purpose and comfort. That’s fine as long as that truth does not hurt other people or things AND as long as it doens’t encrouch on the truths of others.

This is where my biggest issue with the whole convoluted idea of truth lies: there are those out there who are 100% convinced their truth is the ONLY one and that others with different ones are wrong and are in need of guidance. They feel the need to tell us they know “the truth” and that we’re too blind to see.

I see it as the opposite: because I refuse to accept an abolsute truth, I am free. My mind is free enough to see other possibilites and others so-called truth. It also allows me to let my personal evolution happen without hinderance.

So, my my own truth live as it is now. Let it be “immature” enough to grow as I do. I may not (no one may not) ever know the absolute truth during their lifetime. But that’s fine. Because I think once we know tjis, then the mysyery of life is gone. It’s all solved. It’s all known. There will be no use in evolving as individuals ever again.

Introduction to Japanese

かぜもそらもきいと

ひとごみにきえてゆく

せなかにむかっててをふった

きのまでがうそみたいにいえる

なみだでるほどわらって

てをつないでみつめあえばすも

What the hell does that say? I’ll tell you. This is an experiment.  I am trying to get into relearning Japanese. I thought I’d do this by starting a tutorial on some simple Japanese. This way I can teach a little as well as pull back information long since locked off into the recesses of my mind.

Japanese isn’t that hard to learn. It’s easier than German. Many people probably see the way the language if written and step back. How in the hell can I read that? Once you get the basic sounds of the language down and then learn basic hirigana and katakana, you can read read some of the Japanese texts out there. However, for those just learning, I’d stick to manga geared towards a younger audience. More about that in a bit.

There are five basic sounds in Japanse. Words are all based on these five sounds. There are a few exceptions. Here are the five basic vowels:

a  (short A sound in English)

i   (long E sound in English)

u  (sounds like the o’s in moon)

e  (like the E in wet)

o  (sounds like O in fort)

They’re pronounced in a short, clipped tone. Again there are exceptions. There are a few long vowel sounds as well.

a   (long A in English)

u   (like a long U in English)

o   (like the long O in English)

Examples

Ao  (ah O)  (blue)

Ie   (Long E eh) (house)

Ue  (<m>oo<n>  EH)  (top)

Aoi  (Ah short O long E)  (is blue)

EXTRA

These sounds are presented in hirogana below. There will be more about hitigana & katanana & kanji later.

a     あ

i      い

u     う

e     え

o     お

The symbols above are hirigana and they’re pretty much what taught first.

If this has been helpful in anyway, let me know. The next lession will cover more pronounciations of the basic sounds in combinations. I will also get into what hirigana, katakana, and kanji are. Then I will start with the “a” row of the hirigana table.

Lastly

There are two words that are pronounced incorrectly in English

manga  is not prnounced (MAY n gah)  based on what I said today, the word is pronounced MAH n gah)

anime  is not pronounced (ANN knee may)  it is pronounced (AH knee meh)

One Day I Shall Come back

After four weeks sequestered (away from school & most everything else), I am returning to “the real world”.  While this go around wasn’t nearly as bas the last, I somehow feel better after the “battle”. In the end, I’ve come away with coping skills that I did not have previously. I didn’t focus on the social aspect of treatment this time and I think this somehow helped. I wasn’t interested in making friends as much as getting better. I did manage to make one new one. That counts.

Anyway, I was able to admit a couple of new issues that I had kept secret. One: a slight eating disorder. I recall sitting in class and reading/learning about them. I always felt odd because I knew, deep down, that I probably had one. I came clean with the clinician. I don’t know if I should classify it as “anorexia” or not. I over exercise to burn the calories I consumed the day before…in fear of getting fat. I am well within the normal weight for my height and have a normal BMI. BUT I still and feel over weight. I will sometimes not eat certain things because I know that I will compel myself to exercise. I will wake up, with exercise on my mind. I get anxious getting home so I can go and run. On the days I don’t or can’t go, I am very anxious and feel as if I am gaining 1,000 pounds that day for not doing anything. Irrational. I know better. But somehow I still have this fear. It’s hard to control.

The other issue I would rather not get into here. It’s just something I am, for the time, ashamed of. Let it stan at that.

Anyway, I am glad to be getting back to normal as I can.

You Never Know What You’re Going to Get

I may have mentioned this before, but I think about myself a lot like The Doctor from Doctor Who. Every now and then, he regenerates and becomes a new man. The same man yet different in many ways. For me, it’s always been some setback that’s triggered my “death” and subsequent regeneration. In the past, it’s been either something emotionally impacting (suppressed feelings do and can boil over; when they do, watch the fuck out). This time, it was more life circumstances. I was working and going to school full time. Either began to suffer as a result of my tiredness. In choosing between the two, I chose school. As a result, I lost my health benefits. That also means I lost my doctor. I went without my medications for two months. Bad mistake. My depression, anxiety, and self destructive tendencies returned. Part of it was my fault. I was waiting on the state and the DMH to help. By this time, I knew what was coming. I had to head it off. So I  did. And again I am going through treatment. This time, I feel as if I am letting a lot of people down by not graduating on time. And I feel it’s my fault for being in this mess. Now, once again, I am regenerating. Who will I be this time?

Hymne L’Amour

Just one of my fave Edith Piaf songs

 

Le ciel bleu sur nous peut s’effondrer,
Et la terre peut bien s’écrouler,
Peu m’importe si tu m’aimes,
Je me fous du monde entier.

Tant qu’ l’amour innondera mes matins,
Tant qu’mon corps frémira sous tes mains,
Peu m’importent les problèmes,
Mon amour, puisque tu m’aimes.

J’irais jusqu’au bout du monde,
Je me ferais teindre en blonde,
Si tu me le demandais.
J’irais décrocher la lune,
J’irais voler la fortune,
Si tu me le demandais.
Je renierais ma patrie,
Je renierais mes amis,
Si tu me le demandais.
On peut bien rire de moi,
Je ferais n’importe quoi,
Si tu me le demandais.

Si un jour, la vie t’arrache à moi,
Si tu meurs, que tu sois loin de moi,
Peu m’importe si tu m’aimes,
Car moi je mourrais aussi.

Nous aurons pour nous l’éternité,
Dans le bleu de toute l’immensité,
Dans le ciel, plus de problème,
Mon amour, crois-tu qu’on s’aime?

Dieu réunit ceux qui s’aiment

The Journey

Upon the dust and rock I ride in time

And space to reaches of black void,

Swatches of brilliant color and vibrant hue, 

To endless corners and timeless eras.

I hold everything in the palm of my hand

That has ever been and will ever be,

I see the end and the beginning at once

Swirl within an orb of pulsing, liquid life.

I am aware of the stark finite and the endless

Chasms of life upon the hurtling spheres,

Both with and without form I see the truths

Of those whose hearts and minds travel with mine. 

Onto the pinpoints of burning light I cast my eyes

And see the storm of chaos and the calm of nothing,

The mystery of existence, the confusion of mere being 

And the cascade of endless, soulful dreams.

 

Braver Than We Are

“I wish my life were shining like a star. The tears are never very far, the fears are never very far. We always seem much braver than we ever are. We always dream we are braver than we ever are.”

Braver Than We Are, “Dance of the Vampires”

Veteran of a Thousand Psychic Wars

“You see me now a veteran of a thousand psychic wars, my energy is spent at last and my armor is destroyed. I have used up all my weapons and I’m helpless and bereaved. Wounds are all I’m made of.”

Again, I start with lyrics from a song. In this case, it’s Blue Oyster Cult’s “Veteran of a Thousand Psychic Wars”. I don’t mean the word psychic as those dumb asses who claim to see the future or talk to and see the dead. I use the term to describe a state of mind. This is a place that only I know. It’s a place that only I am able to visit. I seem to battle with my mind over and over…forever and forever. It’s all I’ve ever known. I go from being content to being in the depths of despair. Like the warrior in the song above, I feel as if the protective armor I was given at birth is worn. It’s ragged and in pieces…barely hanging on me. Beneath what used to be flesh is now an expanse of wounds, both healed, scarred, and now. Like I said in the post before, I think it stems from being lonely. It stems from battling the pain of always being forgotten, pushed aside, and stepped upon. How can on penetrate flesh that’s been so calloused and toughened by the turmoils of what’s mockingly called life.

I know that one day, I will feel better. I always seem to spring back like a zombie or Jason from Friday the 13th. But like Jason, each time I spring back, it’s with new wounds and internal deformities. It’s hard to push on knowing what I am like on the inside. It’s hard knowing that it’s always the way I am going to be. I can’t see a “Future Self” that’s without the pain that I know now. I say this because pain is a part if life. Suffering is part of life. But will that Future Self have the same distortions, deformities, and ugliness of the Self I am now? Of course he will. They just may not show themselves as they are now. It all goes back to the old post of being the same person.  True, at that point, I will be different in some aspect, but many of the present ones will be there as well. Being a new person means having totally new everything. But that’s not possible. The future incarnation will look different, behave different, and even think different. But the fact remains: my future incarnation will always carry parts of his previous self. Therefore, I will not be the exact same person. But I will be the same person..just with the memories, pain, and happiness of the former. Right now, my present incarnation has the worn armor. He has the scars. But perhaps my future incarnation will have repaired his armor and soothed his wounds with the “salve” of time and self-forgivess.

Die Unstillbare Gier

As I mentioned in my last blog, extreme loneliness is something with which I have always struggled. To me, it’s an abysmal blackness that sucks me in deeper and deeper each day. They say you can be in a roomful of people and yet still feel alone. That’s true. So very true, Even when I am surrounded by many people, it’s feels as if I am the only one there. A thousands voices, a hundred conversions all going on at once. Yet I am no part of any of it. My voice, if it gets heard at all, becomes lost in a deafening din. Many times I feel like an insignificant sand of sand in a great expanse of desert of only which my grain remains separated from the rest. I feel as if I have actually really known anyone and no one has actually really known me. No one knows what stirs me, what saddens me, what I fear, or really what I want. I have a hunger to know others. I have a hunger to be known by others. I have been alone all my life it seems. Sure, people come and go. That’s part of life. In the end, no one really stays. No one really cares. Even when one is married, one can feel alone. How can two be one if both always remain separate. To me, wanting to belong and to know someone is a hunger. It’s one that I can never sate because something always goes wrong. I’m like Doctor Who: sure he’s had companions, but in the end, he always ends up alone in his TARDIS. He remains alone to travel the universe. He needs someone to guide him, to nurture him, to really listen to him. I am a lot like that. I desire to be nurtured, heard, and guided. I can’t go it alone and it always seems like I do. I leave this post with a song. It’s called Die Unstillbare Gier which means “Insatiable Appetite”. It’s from “Tanz der Vampire”. Here, the Count regrets the pain he’s caused, the emptiness he feels, and the drive that keeps him going: the insatiable appetite. In my case, the “unstillbare Gier” to to know others. To know another. In the end, my desire to find that is my driving force.

 

DIE UNSTILLBARE GIER

Endlich nacht, kein Stern zu sehn.
Der Mond versteckt sich,
denn ihm graut vor mir.
Kein Licht im Weltenmeer.
Kein falscher Hoffnungsstrahl.
Nur die stille und in mir
Die Schattenbilder meiner Qual

Sie ahnte nicht, dass ich verloren bin.
Ich glaubte ja noch selbst daran
dass ich gewinn.
Doch am diesem Tag geschah´s zum erstenmal.
Sie starb in meinem arm.

Wie immer, wenn ich nach
Dem leben griff,
blieb nichts in meiner Hand.
Ich möchte flamme sein
Und Asche werden,
und hab noch nie gebrannt.

Ich will hoch und höher steigen,
und sinke immer tiefer ins nichts.
Ich will ein Engel
oder ein Teufel sein,
und bin doch nichts als
eine Kreatur,
die immer das will,
was sie nicht kriegt.

Gäb´s nur einen Augenblick
des Glücks für mich,
nähm ich ew´ges leid ihn Kauf.
Doch alle Hoffnung ist vergebens:
Den der Hunger hört nie auf.

Eines Tages, wenn die erde stirbt,
und der letzte Mensch mit ihr,
dann bleibt nichts zurück
als die öde wüste
einer unstillbaren gier.
Zurück bleibt nur
Die große leere
Und die unstillbare gier.

Doch immer wenn ich
Nach dem leben greif,
spür ich wie es zerbricht.
Ich will die Welt verstehn
und alles wissen,
und kenn mich selber nicht.

Ich will frei und freier werden
Und werde meine ketten nicht los.
Ich will ein heiliger
oder ein Verbrecher sein,
und bin doch nichts als
eine Kreatur
die kriecht und lügt
und zerreißen muss
was immer sie liebt.

Jeder glaubt, dass alles einmal besser wird,
drum nimmt er das leid in Kauf.
Ich will endlich einmal satt sein.
Doch der Hunger hört nie auf.

Manche glauben an die Menschheit,
und manche an Geld und Ruhm.
Manche glauben an Kunst und Wissenschaft,
an liebe und an Heldentum.
Viele glauben an Götter
Verschiedenster Art,
an Wunder und Zeichen,
an Himmel und Hölle,
an Sünde und Tugend
und an Liebe und Brevier.

Doch die wahre Macht,
die uns regiert,
ist die schändliche,
unendliche, verzerende
zerstörende
und ewig unstillbare gier.

Euch Sterblichen von morgen
prophezei ich
heut und hier:
Bevor noch das nächste Jahrtausend beginnt,
ist der einzige Gott, dem jeder dient,
Die unstillbare gier.

ENGLISH

Finally night. No stars to see.
The moon hides itself
Because it is terrified of me.
No light in the ocean.
No false ray of hope
Only the silence. And in me
The silhouette of my pain.

As always when I
Reached out for life 
I couldn’t keep hold of anything.
I want to be a flame
And become ashes
And haven’t yet been burnt.

I want to be high and climb higher
And sink deeper into nothingness.
I want to be an angel
Or a devil
And am just
A creature
That always wants
What it can’t have.

If there could be just one moment
Of happiness for me
I would accept all the grief.
But all hope is in vain
Because the hunger never stops.

One day, when the Earth dies
And the last person with it,
Then nothing will remain
Except a barren desert,
Of an insatiable greed.
The only thing to stay behind is
The big emptiness.
An insatiable greed.

Reach out for life
I feel like it shatters.
I want to understand the world
And know everything
But not know myself.

I want to become free and freer
And get rid of my chains.
I want to be a saint
Or a sinner
And yet am just
A creature
Which creeps and lies
And must always tear apart
What it loves.

We all believe that everything becomes better
So we accept the grief.
I want to eventually be satisfied
But the hunger never stops.

Many believe in humanity
And many in money and glory
Many believe in art and science
In love and in heroism.
Many believe in gods
Of many different kinds,
In miracles and in signs,
In Heaven and Hell,
In sin and virtue, 
And in the Bible and breviary.

But the true power
That rules over us
Is the disgraceful,
Endless,
Consuming,
Destroying,
And eternal, insatiable greed.

You mortals of tomorrow,
I prophesise
Here and now:
Before the next millennium begins
The only God, whom everyone serves
Is the insatiable greed.

Je langer ich lebe

“My life is no light at all, it’s bleak and unforgiving… (I’m) imprisoned by the night…what’s use to look at life when life is not worth living? If you (life) love me set me free and let me touch the light.”

Sometimes silly song lyrics hit right in the heart of the moment. By this I mean, whenever despair, hopelessness, and sorrow take over in that certain moment in time, it is taking over the heart at the moment. The words above are from the musical Dracula by Frank Wildhorn. This is the finale of the show, when Dracula begs Mina to kill him…to set him free from the “life” he’s grown to hate. I listened to them…I REALLY listened to them while on the treadmill today. It’s part of the self-care I’m taught to do to reduce symptoms of depression, addiction, and anxiety. I was to do something to get “out of my head”…to focus on something to get me out of a moment of an unbearable emotion.  At first, I took radical acceptance of the anger and sadness that had overwhelmed me after coming home from my day program. It was nothing really. The place had not been cleaned. There was torn up paper threwn about the floor, a bin of trash in need of being removed, and glassware still sitting out from the night before. These were EASY fixes. Why weren’t they done? Ryan had time before he went to work to do them, but he didn’t. Instead, I imagined, he just sat and watched TV. “I clean all day at work and don’t feel like doing it when I get home”.   That’s what I hear. Hell, I go to class and work at various hospitals…then come home to clean and cook. What the fuck is the big deal about picking up a few things? Nothing. Today, I learned about co-dependence. I never knew what it was. I think it’s basically the marriage is taking. Little things piss me off. There is no communication. And when there is, it’s blunted. “I might as well go up and talk to a wall because the words I am saying are having no effect at all”, lyrics from “Words” by Missing Persons. I hate to use the word strained marriage but I think ours is. I feel guilty because sometimes I think I stay out of a sense of obligation. It’s horrible to think that love has nothing to do with it. But sometimes I wonder. I am married but I feel like the most lonely person on earth.

This leads me to my next topic: people. sure, we all need them. But I can’t seem to find anyone to fill a void I have. It’s not a romantic voids, but one of having a person to really talk with. I’d love to go out and have coffee or dinner and talk. But it doesn’t happen. People say they will but something always gets in the way. In the end, no one stays. What’s the use in holding out a hand when the hand will only be slapped? Despite the horrible pit of despair I feel without that person in my life, I still persist. I should stop. There really is no use in trying when the ends are always the same.

I’ll leave with more words from Dracula:

“The longer I live, the more I wonder if I know anything at all…the longer I live, the less I’m certain I’ve got all the answers right, I’d give all my yesterdays to tough the light. It’s hard to make each moment count when you’re alone, perhaps that’s all I need to know…”